The little things...

I've been MIA for a few days, partly by choice and partly by computer failure, but I'm back in the swing of things now.  It's been a rough couple of weeks on me and I will say that I am completely mentally exhausted by it all.  I think I could sleep for a month straight. Now, If you ask Kenneth, he'll tell you that is nothing new as I LOVE my sleep, but this kind of exhaustion is different.

All of the 'little things' are beginning to pile up and I am feeling smothered by it all. Something as simple as the computer monitor going bonkers was just one more thing that seemed to push me closer to the edge. Then there was my van not starting and not having stamps to mail out an already late bill. Add to that the fact that I already have ten million other things pressing on my mind and well, I think you can see where I am headed. Oh I know, you shouldn't sweat the small stuff, but the problem is that eventually all of the small things begin to snowball and before you know it, you're caught right in the middle of an avalanche.

I think that part of my problem is that I spend too much time thinking on things. I try to analyze everything and find the meaning behind it all.  If someone says something unclear to me, I'll spend days trying to figure out just what they really meant, rather than just letting it go and moving on. If I say something that I think maybe didn't come out quite right, I'll spend days worrying if the person to whom I said it was offended. And I spend a lot of time thinking about the past. About how things would be different if I had done this or that.  Wondering if I could have really made a difference if I would have taken that path that I really wanted to take, rather than taking the safe path. And how changed my life would be if certain people were still a major part of my life, rather than just someone I think of often.  I've tried to have a new approach to things and just leave the past in the past, but that is easier said than done.

I have no regrets on my life. I don't think that is a healthy way to live, but I do get curious sometimes. Often, when I am having such a rough patch as I am now, I'll start to wonder 'what if' and to be honest, I just can't imagine my life any other way. It's crazy and chaotic, definitely not stress free and there are a lot of sleepless nights, but it's a good life I suppose. 

I guess we all have our good days and bad days.  It just seems that lately my bad days have extraordinarily outnumbered my good days.  All of these little speed bumps on the road of life are starting to take a toll on my engine.  Spring is here though and the weather has been beautiful.  The past few days, we've spent every evening outside just enjoying the boys and sitting on the porch.  It's been nice to have a bit of quiet time to unwind in the evenings. Moments like that are rare and I cherish each one. Kenneth will be going out of town for a couple of days for work at the end of the week and I'll be on my own with the boys.  That can go either really well, or really bad but I am holding out hope that we will have a good time.  I see pizza and movies in our future for the weekend and for once, I think I'll just turn my thoughts off for a bit.